I have never sat down to write before. I am always moved by reading other peoples blogs. I feel that they have this ability to convey their thoughts so much more eloquently and real than I ever could. I wish that I could write that way. It’s frustrating to have all these feelings inside, with no way to properly put them down on paper, so that others can feel the depth of what I’m feeling. I guess it is not a gift that I have.
Thinking on that, I wonder, what gifts do I have? What do I have to offer? I can say I’m a good mom, but then I am daily disappointed in my “mom” abilities. I should be more patient. I should be more involved with my girls individually and personally. I should be more “on top of it”. I suck at laundry!
Am I a good wife? If my house isn’t spotless with a homemade dinner on the table at 6pm every night, am I a failure? Do I strive to encourage my husband, and think the best of him and speak the best of him to others? Am I pouring God’s love, kindness, and teachings into my family?
Why do I feel the need to please other people?
Recently, I have had a few relationships in my life that have turned down a different path. It is so upsetting to me. I have this sick ache in my stomach when I think about it. I have nightmares about it. And in this particular circumstance there is nothing more I can do. I just have to accept that someone might not like me. It seems so silly to me to be so deeply affected by this. How can I expect for every person in my life to like me. It’s just not possible! But I feel like that is what I am always striving to achieve. I’ve gone so far in my quest to please others, and not have to feel their disappointment in me, that I’ve given up a part of who I am.
I don’t know where all these feelings of inadequacy come from. I have all these examples in front of me that inspire me to do more, be more, and I start off incredibly motivated and determined, only to have it fall apart a few weeks later. Why can’t I commit? What is it that is in me that stops me from achieving my goals?
It’s myself. I need to get past myself and learn how to see myself as God sees me. I am not perfect. I cannot be perfect, no matter how hard I try. I need to accept that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Accept it, believe it, and depend on it.
In this year ahead, I want to achieve.
I want to be someone that others can be inspired by. Not because I’m perfect, but because I’m doing the best I can in this life I’ve been given. I may not be an eloquent writer, or a world changer with big ideas, but I can start in my house, with my little family and my friends.
I want to be like Christ. Be that example of love, and kindness, and patience. Think the best of others and forgive, forgive, forgive. Achieve more. More of God. Less of myself. And in doing that, I might be able to achieve the things on my list. And if I don’t, I pray that I can at least achieve God’s peace.
Jennifer resides in Southern California with her husband and three beautiful daughters. She does not currently have a blog but you can follow her on twitter.
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