Knowing Who Your Soul Is Connected To

Sometimes I don’t even know what I feel until I start to write. It’s like I’m numb. Just going through the motions. Noticing things, but not remembering them. So even if my writing doesn’t turn into anything, at least I’ll have this.

I’ll know I’ve felt. I’ll know I was alive and awake and present.

I miss my Grammy today. It’s been 8 months since she passed and even though that isn’t long in the scheme of things, it’s long enough to lose the sting. It’s long enough to go a few days without thinking about her.

But it seems that with Christmas so close, she’s all I think about. She was Christmas. She loved Christmas and she loved giving.

The thought of Christmas without Grammy makes my heart feel like it’s being drowned. Deep into the sea and never to surface. Like I can’t breathe.

And sometimes I wonder, how we can feel so heavy. So much. There’s proof of a creator in my own feelings. Maybe our feelings are connected to our souls and our souls are connected to eternity and that’s why it hurts so much.

My heart is partly in heaven, because maybe it never completely left when I was born. And maybe that’s why my longing is to always be with Jesus and why it hurts like hell when someone who I was made to be connected to is gone.

It’s amazing to me that something that can hurt so bad can be the thing that ensures God’s goodness. He’s good enough to let me feel. If I didn’t feel the pain, how would I know what the good was? He cares enough to give me feelings. To connect my soul to his and to all of man kind. To so intricately weave together human souls is enough for me. It’s the closest thing I have to understanding his feelings and it’s not even scratching the surface.

And as God reveals his heart to me, I feel even more. And sometimes I just want it all to go away because sometimes it’s too much to bear. The mamas that lose their babies, the husbands that lose their wives, the babies that lose their mommies. It’s too much.

But I have to thank him in spite of it. I have to show gratitude to the One. The great I am. The lover of my soul. Because no one, in the history of creation, besides him, was willing to lay down his own life for me. To be beaten and torn while he thought of me.

Me. Sinful, horrible, me.

No one will ever know me as well as he does, love me the way he does, pursue me the way he does. No one. Ever.

If there is anything I can leave my children, other than knowing and loving Jesus, it would be to feel. Truly, feel.

The raw pain of loss and the ecstatic joy of life. The trust of a true friend. The sting of disappointment . The rush of first love. The inexplicable beauty of parenthood.

All of those things so that as they make their final step from this place into eternity, they will know it was worth it all.

Every last second, every last breath.

Know who your soul is connected to.

Feel their love. Feel their pain.

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

xox